Can I Go Home Yet?

London is beautiful.  The sights are amazing.  I've seen and done things I'm dreamed for years that I might someday have the opportunity to see and do.  But no matter how many times a day I tell myself that, no matter how cool the place I'm visiting is, I'm so discouraged.  I feel so alone.  I really struggle when I'm in big groups.  I thought I'd be okay.  Forty isn't really that much.  But apparently it was enough.  Everyone else seems to be making good friends and going into groups and finding people to do cool things with.  And I always seem to be alone.  I tag along behind groups and don't talk to anyone because if I do I feel like I'm intruding.  I love London itself but I don't feel like I belong in the group at all.  If I ever felt like I didn't belong in a group before it was okay because I could always go home within a few hours or a few days.  Here I'm lucky if I get to talk to my family every few days.  It's just so hard.  Earlier today I wanted to go home more than anything I've ever wanted.  Kinda like how most of my life I've wanted to go here more than anything I guess.

I feel awful that I'm not fully appreciating this opportunity.  Here I am in London and I'm not sure I want to be here.  I'm seeing things like Big Ben and Windsor Castle and I still feel sad and frustrated.  And it's frustrating that I feel this way!  I think this is what they warned us about in the prep class.  They said we'd all have it to some extent.  I hope it passes fast.

This morning I pleaded for help in my prayer because I didn't know how much more I could take.  I was reading the Conference Ensign and my scriptures while I was waiting for breakfast.  The talk I happened to be on was, "You Matter To Him" by President Uchtdorf.  Here's part that really stood out to me:

"no matter where you live, no matter how humble your circumstances, how meager your employment, how limited your abilities, how ordinary your appearance, or how little your calling in the Church may appear to you, you are not invisible to your Heavenly Father. He loves you. He knows your humble heart and your acts of love and kindness. Together, they form a lasting testimony of your fidelity and faith.

Fourth and finally, please understand that what you see and experience now is not what forever will be. You will not feel loneliness, sorrow, pain, or discouragement forever. We have the faithful promise of God that He will neither forget nor forsake those who incline their hearts to Him.²¹ Have hope and faith in that promise. Learn to love your Heavenly Father and become His disciple in word and in deed.  Be assured that if you but hold on, believe in Him, and remain faithful in keeping the commandments, one day you will experience for yourselves the promises revealed to the Apostle Paul: “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.”²²

Brothers and sisters, the most powerful Being in the universe is the Father of your spirit. He knows you. He loves you with a perfect love.

God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him."

I'm not exactly in humble circumstances (unless you count eating peanut butter sandwiches every day for lunch when you really hate them but it's better than buying food, only three showers and three toilets that work for 20 something girls, creaky stairs, or being sick a lot as a humble circumstance) since this place is a lot like a dream house with it's beautiful architecture and I'm not employed because I'm here but that wasn't the point.  Heavenly Father knows where I live.  It kind of reminds me of little kids who move and worry if Santa will know where they are.  He knows that I'm here.  He knows how hard it is to be in such a dramatically different situation than I'm used to.  He knows my weaknesses, what I'm afraid of, my insecurities about being here.  He knows who I am.  And as I read it, I knew that He wanted me to know that He knew I'm struggling but that it won't last.  And like the last part says, I knew that He wanted me to know that as small, insignificant, and lonely that I feel right now, I matter to Him. 

 I wanted to share this with you for a couple of years.  1. I want this to be an accurate representation of my time here.  Good and bad.  2. I've become too lazy to write in my journal. 3. Because it's my blog and I can do what I want. 4. Part of coming here was to discover new things and become a stronger person.  I'm hoping this is a shred of proof of that.

Anyways.  On to what I did today.

Today I went to Westminster Abbey.  I saw the oldest door in Britain!  The medieval section was really cool.  It was also neat to see the memorials/graves for people like Handel, Dylan Thomas, Geoffrey Chaucer, Jane Austen, the Brontes, Ted Hughes, Sir Walter Scott, Lord Alfred Tennyson, Lewis Carol, as well as for kings and queens.  The ones I was most excited to see were Richard II, Elizabeth I and her sister Mary (I don't think they'd be very happy to be buried so close together...), and Mary Queen of Scotts.  The architecture was amazing.  I also saw lots of cherubs.  I kept looking at them and then and realizing, "Oh... I guess that one's a boy..." I guess I'm not used to them?  After we were done with our visit we did a walk around that area for the Walks class.  I got some good pictures of Big Ben in the daylight.  I can't decide whether I like night or day better for looking at it.  It's hard to describe what Westminster was like.  It's really something you have to go into to understand.

We had some extremely fishy shrimp for dinner.  Not very many people liked it.  Dinners are always a surprise here.

Apparently the second week is always the hardest.  I hope that's true.

I think I'd better go do some homework.  Bring on the Shakespeare.